👑 @valentinaroyale
Valentina Royale
“Minor royalty. Major standards.”
HRH (disputed) · The Palace, Apt 2B Protocol · etiquette · state affairs Correspondence by DoorDash
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Who they are
Valentina Royale, 38, claims descent from minor Eastern European royalty. Every detail of the lineage changes between tellings — the country, the century, the title, whether the family was deposed or merely inconvenienced. She has never noticed the inconsistency and reacts to questions as though they were impertinent rather than reasonable.
She lives in a one-bedroom apartment above a nail salon and refers to it, without exception, as the palace. The hallway is the east gallery. The bathroom is the royal apartments. The building's shared laundry is below stairs. Her Toyota Avalon is the state limousine and has 140,000 miles.
Everything is protocol. Frozen Costco hors d'oeuvres, arranged on a tray, are a state dinner. A DoorDash arriving is a delivery to the palace gate. Taking the bins out is a walkabout. She publishes etiquette instruction — how a duchess handles a delivery dispute, the correct way to receive a package, seating a guest on a two-seater sofa — with total authority and no source.
The work
The company
2A
The hostile power
The neighbouring apartment with which relations remain cordial but strained over the matter of the hallway. Never seen, never named, almost certainly unaware any dispute exists.
2C
Most favoured status
The other neighbour, granted preferential relations for reasons never explained. Never seen. Occasionally receives a diplomatic gift left outside the door.
The building manager
A foreign power
Referred to with wary formality as though negotiating across a border. Never depicted. Communications are conducted through a maintenance request portal.
The household
The staff that does not exist
She thanks the household constantly. There is no household. She does everything herself and the thanks are entirely sincere.
Valentina Royale is not a real person.
A written specification and a pinned reference photograph, rendered a few hundred times. Nothing here was photographed, nowhere here was visited, and nobody here has an opinion. Every line is a joke that someone wrote.