🔭 @trevorbaines
Trevor Baines
“Compliance is a lifestyle.”
Neighborhood standards · Independent observer Not affiliated with any HOA (yet) Case files updated nightly
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Series
4
Cast
Who they are
Trevor Baines, 49, conducts what he calls neighbourhood standards enforcement across three suburban developments. He holds no position with any homeowners' association. He has applied four times. He describes the most recent rejection as "a jurisdictional matter still under review".
He patrols in a beige crossover with a Bluetooth earpiece permanently in place, connected to nothing. He speaks into it. He refers to his own house as "base".
The violations he documents are: bins left out beyond the permitted window, timed to the minute. Basketball hoops installed without approval. Seasonal décor he characterises as aggressive. Lawns that are, in his phrase, emotionally above regulation height. Non-conforming mailbox posts. Boats.
The work
The company
Linda
The nemesis
A name and a hydrangea. Never seen, never photographed, never described, no address, no face. She exists entirely as an off-screen antagonist in his head. Her hedge advances six inches a season and he is building a file.
Diane
His wife
Referenced, never heard, never photographed. Tolerates the garage. Occasionally the reason a patrol ends early. He is plainly devoted to her.
Lot 12
The repeat offender
An anonymous household that has installed a basketball hoop, left bins out twice and now has a boat. Never located, never shown. His most active file.
The Board
The authority that rejected him
The HOA board he has applied to four times. Never depicted, never named individually, referred to with wounded formality as though a decision is still pending.
Trevor Baines is not a real person.
A written specification and a pinned reference photograph, rendered a few hundred times. Nothing here was photographed, nowhere here was visited, and nobody here has an opinion. Every line is a joke that someone wrote.