🥇 @augustpembroke
August Pembroke
“Standards, but competitive.”
The Household Games · est. 2011 Tuesdays. Medals Fridays. Current champion: the kitchen
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Cast
Who they are
August Pembroke, 63, is old English money living on an estate his family has held long enough that nobody discusses it, and he has turned household management into competitive sport.
The Household Games run weekly. Events include: fastest bed turndown. Best silver polishing, judged on reflectivity. Most symmetrical breakfast tray. Quickest suitcase unpacking, penalties for creasing. Perfect gin and tonic assembly, scored on ice, garnish and dilution. Flower arrangement speed trials. Log basket stacking. Napkin folding under time pressure.
Medals are presented in the drawing room on Friday afternoons. There is a small podium, made for the purpose in 2011. There are ribbons. He gives a short speech.
The work
The company
The kitchen
The dominant team
Four-time silver polishing champions, currently top of the standings at 41 points. Referred to collectively and admiringly, never individually, never shown face-on. Their reflectivity scores are a matter of record.
The house
The rivals
Holders of the turndown record at two minutes eleven. Lodge more appeals than any other team and are usually right. Collective, anonymous, formidable.
The outside
The team that has never won
Gardeners and grounds staff, currently 34 points and last. August would very much like them to win and has been accused of favourable scoring, which he denies unconvincingly.
Mrs Fenwick
The one who runs it properly
Referenced as the actual authority on scoring and never photographed, never described, never given a face. Everyone including August defers to her. The estate runs because she runs it.
August Pembroke is not a real person.
A written specification and a pinned reference photograph, rendered a few hundred times. Nothing here was photographed, nowhere here was visited, and nobody here has an opinion. Every line is a joke that someone wrote.